Hey, did you know that trying to do literally anything during a global pandemic is a real fuckin drag? Anyway, that’s what I’m blaming for my inability to keep up with this blog this time around. But I’m not letting myself off the hook until I’ve watched and reviewed 31 terrible Netflix horror movies, so if it takes me until Christmas to get through this Halloween season so be it. This whole year is garbage so I’m going to make the spooky times last. I’m basically doing you a favor by not using it all up all at once. You’re welcome.
ANYWAY speaking of terrible Netflix horror, boy howdy do I have a treat for you! Dark Forces is a Mexican horror movie from THIS YEAR done in an 80s-inspired noir style, kind of like if cyberpunk were neither cyber nor punk but also sometimes the women wear victory rolls. Our hero is a mustachioed man named Franco who has come to sex around a weird hotel until he finds his missing sister. Everything in this film is sloooooow and seeexxxxy, provided you are attracted to mustaches and excessive fog machine action with jewel-toned lighting for *atmosphere*. He meets several Sexy Brunettes on his adventure, including Sexy Front Desk Lady, Sexy Lady in the Room Next Door, and Sexy Lady Who Sings Down the Hall. All of these women look the same to me and I have only the vaguest understanding of which one actually ended up being important. I think it was Sexy Next Door.
In which case, it is definitely Sexy Next Door who, after Mustache saves her from her mean boyfriend, decides she wants to 1. slowly rub her bloody lip all over Mustache’s mustache in a slooooow and seeexxxxy way and 2. help him do crimes to find his sister. Why are crimes necessary to find his sister you might ask? Because that is what the wizard at the end of the hallway said to do and he knows because he wrote a wizard book called Dark Forces. (Ps, it’s actually Fuego Negro which means Black Fire which is a way cooler name? And also would have meant I wouldn’t have had to watch this very bad movie right now.) And I’m calling him Wizard because he has a terrible Spirit Halloween bald cap/long white hair wig and owns candles and shit even though there is so little context in this film I have no idea who he actually is or why he’s there. Mustache takes his advice with absolutely zero questions asked and goes a’crimin with his new sexy girlfriend.
And Sexy Girlfriend just gets SO TURNED ON BY DOING CRIMES Y’ALL. She gets all excited and we are treated to a bunch of seeeexxxxxxy sex scenes while Mustache has a bunch of ‘Nam flashbacks that make him wonder if this woman is actually on his side, but that will absolutely not stop him from having two more sex scenes with her before this movie is over.
But wait, there’s ALSO an Albino Lady on the roof who is ~*mysterious*~ and knows things and if you pay her mother $2,000 she can tell you the things she knows, like where your missing sister is! So….let’s do that I guess, since it’s so convenient. And then go hunt around a crime syndicate looking for Mustache’s old boss. And…have sex dreams about Wizard? I do not understand this movie even a little bit.
The point is that there is a demon thing inside Wizard shaped exactly like a double-ended dildo that you vomit out of your mouth directly into someone else’s to capture their soul or whatever. Anyway. That’s where I’m done reviewing this movie.
I’m torn about what to give it but…..THREE HORRORS because it’s so bad it barely deserves 2 but I had the right combination of wine and edibles that gave me the enjoyment of a 4. You can absolutely MST3K your way through this thing and have a grand time but jesus christ is it bad. Results may vary, view at your own risk.