Dark Light

This one’s in English! Finally, a movie I can watch while scrolling through garbage on my phone. My favorite.

Dark Light is a 2019 sci-fi horror movie, which is one of my favorite types of horror movie. I will vote for spooky aliens over vampires and werewolves any day. BUT WAIT ARE THERE SPOOKY ALIENS THOUGH? Because Dark Light is about a woman named Annie moving back to her childhood home with her young daughter after a “breakdown” related to a non-specific hereditary mental illness, which means that literally anything she has concerns about is invalidated. NEAT. It does not help that the only resource she can find to validate her claims of spooky activity is some kind of angelfire black-background-white-comic-sans-text bullshit run by a beardy nerd, which frankly makes me wish she had just put cameras around the house like every other horror family does.

Because the better evidence is that the house is in a CORNFIELD, which means that there MUST be spooky aliens because THAT IS THEIR JAM. Children of the Corn, Signs, A Quiet Place, as a horror fan I know that every corn field holds Eldritch horrors beyond imagination but this Sheriff keeps showing up and insisting that it’s “kids with flashlights” like some fucking noob who’s probably going to get her head ripped apart by spooky aliens later. OR WILL SHE she will. Also the Sheriff is a lady! Hurray equality! And all her rural white male employees respect and listen to her. Haha, this is truly science fiction.

Except ah shit wait there are indeed spooky aliens, and they have taken Annie’s daughter for….food? According to Angelfire McBeardo’s video, these are not actually aliens, but creatures indigenous to Earth who creep up out of cornfields to collect children, who have the tastiest life force of all the humans. So when Annie easily escapes from custody (which, yikes, this police force has some major issues to work out, PROBABLY CUZ THEY HAVE A WOMAN SHERIFF, AMIRITE) where does she go to save her daughter? That’s correct, she makes a beeline for Angelfire’s house, because if there’s anything I know, it’s that a bearded white dude on the internet whose opinions are not allowed on mainstream social media must know too much truth.

This goes very wrong like immediately, leaving Annie locked in McBeardo’s basement while aliens are out there snacking on her daughter’s delicious life force and Lady Sheriff is hunting around for THE WOMAN SHE BELIEVES IS A CHILD MURDERER who just kinda wandered out of the crashed transfer van and went on her merry way a few hours ago. Will Annie save her daughter from being an alien meal? Will McBeardo finally get MUFON to listen to him? Will Lady Sheriff get her escaped criminal back in custody or will she get aliened to death right in the head? WHO CAN SAY.

What I can say is that this movie is not necessarily good. There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense, for example, the fact that Annie started out by seeing small ghosty-type shenanigans in the house (opening doors, things moving, etc) and when we finally see the aliens they are eight foot tall living flashlights who couldn’t be sneaky if they tried. Or how Angelfire McBeardo listens to Annie’s story and the FIRST THING he does is drag her to his basement saying “NOW I HAVE PROOF HAHA” as if 1. a stranger coming to your house and saying she saw aliens is proof and 2. locking the only person who agrees with you in your basement will lend credibility to your argument. The police WILDLY ignore any sort of legal regulations and haha nevermind that’s pretty normal.

But the movie is kinda fun. The creatures are pretty great, and I just spent the whole film thinking “MAN I would love to play this video game.” It has all the best video game locations, police warehouse, river just outside of town with submerged vehicles, creepy house, corn, and both trying to convince people that the aliens are real and killing the shit out of piles of aliens would be SO. MUCH. FUN. If the Dark Light people are reading, please call the Last of Us team and get them to work on this, they’re not busy right now.

So I’m giving the movie……THREE HORRORS.

Video game would get 10/10 though.

also I would like a corn monster minigame please and thank you
Dark Light

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s