Dark Skies

THANK GOD now that I can stop thinking about the inevitable end of the world for like a second I can get back to my special edition extended 31 for 90-ish (or however long it takes). And luckily the next movie on the list is one of my favorites, which helps because I am SO TIRED THIS WEEK, GUYS.

I watched Dark Skies for the first time several years ago for this project, and it’s stuck with me ever since. If you like alien abduction horror, this is a pretty great example of the genre and, for the first time basically ever, the kids are actually the best part.

Dark Skies is about a painfully white suburban upper middle-class family struggling to maintain that position once the dad loses his job and can no longer afford the MASSIVE house and privileged lifestyle to which they are accustomed. So while Mom and Dad gossip with the neighbors and bicker about shutting off the cable, their two sons tell scary stories to each other over walkie talkies and just generally exemplify a healthy sibling relationship in the face of their parents being kind of garbage.

UNTIL SPOOKY SHIT STARTS HAPPENING.

It starts with things being moved around in the house and photos going missing, and the youngest son starts talking about something coming into his room, telling him secrets, and being creepy, as these things do. But as soon as Dad finally sucks it up and invests in home security, the problems with the youngest son escalate to mysterious behavioral issues and memory loss. Mom mentions maybe taking the kid to therapy because he is CLEARLY not well, but Dad loses his entire mind because THERAPY IS SOOOOO EMBARRASSING AND WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS SAY AND ALSO WE CAN’T AFFORD IT AND ALSO THERAPY IS EMBARRASSING AND BAD AND EMBARRASSIIIIIIIIIIING did I mention these parents are objectively bad parents. It’s not until similar things start to happen with the older son as well that the parents agree to GO SEE A DOCTOR, but by that point shit is well and truly fucked.

More weird shit goes down and Mom starts googling to discover that a lot of the recent events can be explained by one thing and one thing only:

And then the rest of the movie happens.

Okay so I am doing a very bad and lazy job of describing this movie because this election week has ruined my ability to think good and do words, and also because I don’t actually want to include spoilers of all the good parts because I do want people to see this one. So while the premise of “weird things happen to family and it’s aliens” sounds pretty basic, you’ll just have to trust me when I say it’s better than that. It’s successfully spooky and the scares still get me even on the third viewing, and the cast is very good at pulling it all off. (And JK Simmons shows up as the expert on aliens because of course he does.) At the end of the day I’m not entirely sure why I love this movie so much, but I really do. It’s well-executed, tells a good story, and the climax at the end just sticks in my head for some reason. Because of how good it is? Or whatever.

Boy what a great review I have written.

I don’t have the energy or brains to tell you why but…FIVE HORRORS BECAUSE I JUST LIKE IT.

THING IS GOOD

Dark Skies

Dark Light

This one’s in English! Finally, a movie I can watch while scrolling through garbage on my phone. My favorite.

Dark Light is a 2019 sci-fi horror movie, which is one of my favorite types of horror movie. I will vote for spooky aliens over vampires and werewolves any day. BUT WAIT ARE THERE SPOOKY ALIENS THOUGH? Because Dark Light is about a woman named Annie moving back to her childhood home with her young daughter after a “breakdown” related to a non-specific hereditary mental illness, which means that literally anything she has concerns about is invalidated. NEAT. It does not help that the only resource she can find to validate her claims of spooky activity is some kind of angelfire black-background-white-comic-sans-text bullshit run by a beardy nerd, which frankly makes me wish she had just put cameras around the house like every other horror family does.

Because the better evidence is that the house is in a CORNFIELD, which means that there MUST be spooky aliens because THAT IS THEIR JAM. Children of the Corn, Signs, A Quiet Place, as a horror fan I know that every corn field holds Eldritch horrors beyond imagination but this Sheriff keeps showing up and insisting that it’s “kids with flashlights” like some fucking noob who’s probably going to get her head ripped apart by spooky aliens later. OR WILL SHE she will. Also the Sheriff is a lady! Hurray equality! And all her rural white male employees respect and listen to her. Haha, this is truly science fiction.

Except ah shit wait there are indeed spooky aliens, and they have taken Annie’s daughter for….food? According to Angelfire McBeardo’s video, these are not actually aliens, but creatures indigenous to Earth who creep up out of cornfields to collect children, who have the tastiest life force of all the humans. So when Annie easily escapes from custody (which, yikes, this police force has some major issues to work out, PROBABLY CUZ THEY HAVE A WOMAN SHERIFF, AMIRITE) where does she go to save her daughter? That’s correct, she makes a beeline for Angelfire’s house, because if there’s anything I know, it’s that a bearded white dude on the internet whose opinions are not allowed on mainstream social media must know too much truth.

This goes very wrong like immediately, leaving Annie locked in McBeardo’s basement while aliens are out there snacking on her daughter’s delicious life force and Lady Sheriff is hunting around for THE WOMAN SHE BELIEVES IS A CHILD MURDERER who just kinda wandered out of the crashed transfer van and went on her merry way a few hours ago. Will Annie save her daughter from being an alien meal? Will McBeardo finally get MUFON to listen to him? Will Lady Sheriff get her escaped criminal back in custody or will she get aliened to death right in the head? WHO CAN SAY.

What I can say is that this movie is not necessarily good. There’s a lot that doesn’t make sense, for example, the fact that Annie started out by seeing small ghosty-type shenanigans in the house (opening doors, things moving, etc) and when we finally see the aliens they are eight foot tall living flashlights who couldn’t be sneaky if they tried. Or how Angelfire McBeardo listens to Annie’s story and the FIRST THING he does is drag her to his basement saying “NOW I HAVE PROOF HAHA” as if 1. a stranger coming to your house and saying she saw aliens is proof and 2. locking the only person who agrees with you in your basement will lend credibility to your argument. The police WILDLY ignore any sort of legal regulations and haha nevermind that’s pretty normal.

But the movie is kinda fun. The creatures are pretty great, and I just spent the whole film thinking “MAN I would love to play this video game.” It has all the best video game locations, police warehouse, river just outside of town with submerged vehicles, creepy house, corn, and both trying to convince people that the aliens are real and killing the shit out of piles of aliens would be SO. MUCH. FUN. If the Dark Light people are reading, please call the Last of Us team and get them to work on this, they’re not busy right now.

So I’m giving the movie……THREE HORRORS.

Video game would get 10/10 though.

also I would like a corn monster minigame please and thank you
Dark Light