I know I was happy to get a Mario Bava movie last time because it meant I could talk about how batshit Italian horror films were in the early 1960s. In fact, I was so excited I gave it five horrors without giving any fucks about it because it was so awesome to write about something weird and cheesy and different. Even though it was the second Bava film in maybe a week, it was just so much more fun than writing about how sort of acceptable the latest Syfy original was.
What I did not realize was that I just blew my wad on dumb 60s Italian horror the day before I have to write about A THIRD FUCKING BAVA FILM.
Did someone cut you a deal, Netflix? Was the sketchy dude in a trench coat standing outside Netflix HQ just so inundated with Bavas that he gave you a free one with every six Asylum films? Are the floors of your offices tiled in old Bava dvds? Do you toss your interns into a pit of Bavas when they get you a whole milk half caff caramel mocha latte when you CLEARLY requested two percent? Or are you so deep in the pockets of Big Bava that you can’t operate your website without pushing Bavas on us until we literally forget how many we’ve seen until we go to write a dumb blog about them? HOW MANY MORE ARE THERE, NETFLIX? HOW MANY MORE???
On the bright side, Black Sunday is the film that began Mario Bava’s career and catapulted him to greatness, and it’s totally ridiculous. The film opens in the early 17th century, with a good old fashioned witch burning. Having been turned in by her shitty brother, the (very attractive heavily eye-linered false eyelash-wearing Italian lady) witch puts a curse on him and his descendants before the priest covers her face with a horribly spiked metal mask and HAMMERS THE SPIKES INTO HER FACE UNTIL HER FACE IS ONE WITH THE MASK. LIKE AN IRON MAIDEN FOR YOUR FACE. FUCK.
Two hundred years later, a doctor and his assistant lose a carriage tire on the way to a medical conference and go wandering into local crypts because wait stop what.
…okay sure, so they find a crypt and the doctor sees the corpse of the same witch and he immediately removes the fucking mask from her face because WAIT STOP WHAT.
What the fuck, Bava??? How great were the drugs in 1960 that you thought this made sense??? WHAT THE SHIT IS WRONG WITH THIS DOCTOR??? He also then cuts himself on the glass surrounding her tomb, which means this dude not only wandered away from his carriage and left behind, I assume, enough personal belongings to last him through this conference that he doesn’t seem THE LEAST BIT worried about getting to, not only does he see what is obviously a crypt and then go fucking underground to check it out, NOT ONLY DOES HE SEE A DEAD LADY WITH A TORTURE DEVICE IMPALED IN HER FACE, but he REACHES HIS GOD. DAMNED. HAND. THROUGH BROKEN GLASS TO RETRIEVE THIS CENTURIES OLD STAB MASK FROM A FUCKING CORPSE.
And he bleeds on her and brings her back to life etc etc BUT I CAN’T EVEN GET INTO THAT BECAUSE THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THIS MOVIE ARE SO WHAT THE SHIT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN MANAGE TO EVEN.
I don’t even goddamn know what to do now. It just keeps going like this. Jesus christ, Bava. I JUST DID THIS. I JUST DID THIS WITH YOU. I HAVE DONE THIS WITH YOU TWICE NOW.
…….FIVE HORRORS. YOU HAVE BESTED ME.