First of all, GOOD NEWS EVERYONE.
Horror in Order can now be found at horrorinorder.com AND can be successfully googled, like a real website! You all thought I had abandoned you, that I did not care about my beloved blorg, that I was not willing to put in the time. ON THE CONTRARY. I am a hard-working, independent, passionate woman who would give anything to make her beloved project grow and shine, so I put on my big girl panties and got out my laptop and put in the grueling effort to ask a friend to figure that shit out while I took a nap.
And boy did he come through!
EVERYONE THANK JIM.
Moving on to this week’s movie, Bruiser! Get ready for something weird, and by weird I mean French, and by French I mean weird.
Bruiser is directed by George Romero (yes, that George Romero) and it is really more of a revenge thriller than a horror film, necessarily, but it does feature plenty of murders and a creepy nightmare mask, so I’ll allow it, Netflix. It also stars Jason Flemyng, Peter Stormare, Leslie Hope, and Tom Atkins, who you may recognize as Actual Actors Who Were Likely Paid Money To Participate In This Film, which already puts it head and shoulders above two thirds of the films we review here at Horror in Oh No Not Another One Shot On A Cell Phone Camera.
Our protagonist, Henry, is a bland and unhappy businessman with suicidal thoughts who works a high stress and unrewarding job for an asshole boss and goes home to a shitty marriage to a cheating wife. In other words, how I assume most people who have to wear ties must live. Business majors, is it possible to be truly happy while wearing a tie? And no, I do not mean bow-ties, as it is impossible to be unhappy while wearing a bow-tie. Have you seen Bill Nye? It’s science. (Also I’m pretending that business majors read this blog.)
One day, Henry wakes up to discover that his face has been replaced with a featureless white mask WITH CREEPY TINY PINHOLES FOR EYES that he cannot remove. See this movie if only to watch a dude be stuck with this creepy face for a couple hours – it’s amazing. TINY PINHOLE EYES, GUYS. HE’S LIKE THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF A DITTO PERSON but more murdery, because as we will learn, having no face lowers certain inhibitions, such as that to not murder everyone you see. Emboldened by becoming some sort of identitiless monster, Henry goes on a killing spree to right all the wrongs in his life, from his dickhole of a boss to his dickhole of a wife to his dickhole of a maid who I guess steals stuff when he’s not there, but when you’re a’killin you may as well make it a clean sweep.
In some ways, this movie is a little predictable and cliche. The “little guy kills his boss and everyone taking advantage of him” plot has been done to death, but this is at least well-done. The score has a film noir feel to it and the whole film is at once surreal and grounded by an all too familiar office drone environment. It’s basically Death of a Salesman, but Willy Loman kills everyone he’s ever known and also he has no face, and wouldn’t that significantly improve Death of a Salesman?
I think it would.
I give this……..THREE AND A HALF HORRORS.