Dark Skies

THANK GOD now that I can stop thinking about the inevitable end of the world for like a second I can get back to my special edition extended 31 for 90-ish (or however long it takes). And luckily the next movie on the list is one of my favorites, which helps because I am SO TIRED THIS WEEK, GUYS.

I watched Dark Skies for the first time several years ago for this project, and it’s stuck with me ever since. If you like alien abduction horror, this is a pretty great example of the genre and, for the first time basically ever, the kids are actually the best part.

Dark Skies is about a painfully white suburban upper middle-class family struggling to maintain that position once the dad loses his job and can no longer afford the MASSIVE house and privileged lifestyle to which they are accustomed. So while Mom and Dad gossip with the neighbors and bicker about shutting off the cable, their two sons tell scary stories to each other over walkie talkies and just generally exemplify a healthy sibling relationship in the face of their parents being kind of garbage.

UNTIL SPOOKY SHIT STARTS HAPPENING.

It starts with things being moved around in the house and photos going missing, and the youngest son starts talking about something coming into his room, telling him secrets, and being creepy, as these things do. But as soon as Dad finally sucks it up and invests in home security, the problems with the youngest son escalate to mysterious behavioral issues and memory loss. Mom mentions maybe taking the kid to therapy because he is CLEARLY not well, but Dad loses his entire mind because THERAPY IS SOOOOO EMBARRASSING AND WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS SAY AND ALSO WE CAN’T AFFORD IT AND ALSO THERAPY IS EMBARRASSING AND BAD AND EMBARRASSIIIIIIIIIIING did I mention these parents are objectively bad parents. It’s not until similar things start to happen with the older son as well that the parents agree to GO SEE A DOCTOR, but by that point shit is well and truly fucked.

More weird shit goes down and Mom starts googling to discover that a lot of the recent events can be explained by one thing and one thing only:

And then the rest of the movie happens.

Okay so I am doing a very bad and lazy job of describing this movie because this election week has ruined my ability to think good and do words, and also because I don’t actually want to include spoilers of all the good parts because I do want people to see this one. So while the premise of “weird things happen to family and it’s aliens” sounds pretty basic, you’ll just have to trust me when I say it’s better than that. It’s successfully spooky and the scares still get me even on the third viewing, and the cast is very good at pulling it all off. (And JK Simmons shows up as the expert on aliens because of course he does.) At the end of the day I’m not entirely sure why I love this movie so much, but I really do. It’s well-executed, tells a good story, and the climax at the end just sticks in my head for some reason. Because of how good it is? Or whatever.

Boy what a great review I have written.

I don’t have the energy or brains to tell you why but…FIVE HORRORS BECAUSE I JUST LIKE IT.

THING IS GOOD

Dark Skies

Dark Forces

Hey, did you know that trying to do literally anything during a global pandemic is a real fuckin drag? Anyway, that’s what I’m blaming for my inability to keep up with this blog this time around. But I’m not letting myself off the hook until I’ve watched and reviewed 31 terrible Netflix horror movies, so if it takes me until Christmas to get through this Halloween season so be it. This whole year is garbage so I’m going to make the spooky times last. I’m basically doing you a favor by not using it all up all at once. You’re welcome.

ANYWAY speaking of terrible Netflix horror, boy howdy do I have a treat for you! Dark Forces is a Mexican horror movie from THIS YEAR done in an 80s-inspired noir style, kind of like if cyberpunk were neither cyber nor punk but also sometimes the women wear victory rolls. Our hero is a mustachioed man named Franco who has come to sex around a weird hotel until he finds his missing sister. Everything in this film is sloooooow and seeexxxxy, provided you are attracted to mustaches and excessive fog machine action with jewel-toned lighting for *atmosphere*. He meets several Sexy Brunettes on his adventure, including Sexy Front Desk Lady, Sexy Lady in the Room Next Door, and Sexy Lady Who Sings Down the Hall. All of these women look the same to me and I have only the vaguest understanding of which one actually ended up being important. I think it was Sexy Next Door.

In which case, it is definitely Sexy Next Door who, after Mustache saves her from her mean boyfriend, decides she wants to 1. slowly rub her bloody lip all over Mustache’s mustache in a slooooow and seeexxxxy way and 2. help him do crimes to find his sister. Why are crimes necessary to find his sister you might ask? Because that is what the wizard at the end of the hallway said to do and he knows because he wrote a wizard book called Dark Forces. (Ps, it’s actually Fuego Negro which means Black Fire which is a way cooler name? And also would have meant I wouldn’t have had to watch this very bad movie right now.) And I’m calling him Wizard because he has a terrible Spirit Halloween bald cap/long white hair wig and owns candles and shit even though there is so little context in this film I have no idea who he actually is or why he’s there. Mustache takes his advice with absolutely zero questions asked and goes a’crimin with his new sexy girlfriend.

And Sexy Girlfriend just gets SO TURNED ON BY DOING CRIMES Y’ALL. She gets all excited and we are treated to a bunch of seeeexxxxxxy sex scenes while Mustache has a bunch of ‘Nam flashbacks that make him wonder if this woman is actually on his side, but that will absolutely not stop him from having two more sex scenes with her before this movie is over.

But wait, there’s ALSO an Albino Lady on the roof who is ~*mysterious*~ and knows things and if you pay her mother $2,000 she can tell you the things she knows, like where your missing sister is! So….let’s do that I guess, since it’s so convenient. And then go hunt around a crime syndicate looking for Mustache’s old boss. And…have sex dreams about Wizard? I do not understand this movie even a little bit.

The point is that there is a demon thing inside Wizard shaped exactly like a double-ended dildo that you vomit out of your mouth directly into someone else’s to capture their soul or whatever. Anyway. That’s where I’m done reviewing this movie.

I’m torn about what to give it but…..THREE HORRORS because it’s so bad it barely deserves 2 but I had the right combination of wine and edibles that gave me the enjoyment of a 4. You can absolutely MST3K your way through this thing and have a grand time but jesus christ is it bad. Results may vary, view at your own risk.

10/10 for the mustache though
Dark Forces