I TAKE IT ALL BACK FUCK THIS WHOLE FRANCHISE.
WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH.
Here I was all “oh, Jennifer Tilly will probably be back in this one, that’ll be nice” and THEN SEED OF CHUCKY HAPPENED.
I am not doing a synopsis of this movie because IT IS NOT POSSIBLE so instead I’m just going to list a few of the things that happen here in no particular order because I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE FOR A SINGLE SECOND LONGER THAN I HAVE TO. So please enjoy this list of actual horrors so that I may delete this entire thing from my memory banks:
- John Fucking Waters is in this movie.
- Jennifer Tilly is also in this movie, as both the Tiffany doll and as HERSELF, REAL JENNIFER TILLY. She gets roasted so hard and is absolutely brilliant about it. I would happily rewatch this movie with only her scenes in it. I mean sort of. No I wouldn’t.
- Redman is in this movie, also as himself, and he’s directing a movie called “The Virgin Mary.” You know, like Def Jam rapper Redman would do. He is also brilliant and is mostly in scenes with Jennifer Tilly, making those scenes a sweet safe haven for my ruined mind meats.
- The voodoo puppet child of Tiffany and Chucky from the end of Bride is in this one and THE DOLL IS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING TO LOOK AT. I HATE IT SO MUCH.
- The child is named Glen and prefers he/him pronouns but is canonically nonbinary? In a way that alternates between positive representation and VERY BAD REPRESENTATION. I’m not even touching this topic.
- We have to watch Chucky masturbate into a cup. For like A LONG TIME.
- We have to see an ENTIRE CUP of puppet jizz.
- That cup of puppet jizz is sucked into a turkey baster and used to ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE ACTUAL JENNIFER TILLY.
- Tiffany and Chucky attempt to quit murdering using the methods of Alcoholics Anonymous. It does not work.
- Glen is still just awful, this whole time. It DOES NOT STOP.
- Chucky kills Britney Spears by running her off the road in Redman’s stolen car. They could not get actual Britney Spears for this, for some reason. She must have been busy.
- Actual Jennifer Tilly becomes pregnant overnight and gives birth to fraternal twins MADE FROM CHUCKY SPERM. The Tiffany doll acts as midwife.
- Chucky decides he actually likes being a doll because dolls are immortal. That’s the exact opposite of what we’ve been told this whole series but okay.
- I STILL HATE GLEN AND NOW HE IS A MURDEROUS DRAG QUEEN SOMETIMES I GUESS.
- Tiffany takes over Jennifer Tilly’s body because she loves her so much. I like this.
- DOLL FIGHT.
- Jennifer Tilly’s two horrible red-headed murder children grow up and are never ever seen or heard from ever again. Including Glen, thank christ.
ZERO HORRORS BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE THIS IS A FEVER DREAM FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER AWAKEN BECAUSE THE EVENTS OF SEED OF CHUCKY HAVE SEARED THEMSELVES INTO MY DELICATE BRAIN AND I WILL NEVER GET AWAY NO MATTER HOW MANY MORE MOVIES I WATCH. SEED OF CHUCKY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. SEED OF CHUCKY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. SEED OF CHUCKY IS ETERNAL. SEED OF CHUCKY IS THE ABYSS.