Seed of Chucky

I TAKE IT ALL BACK FUCK THIS WHOLE FRANCHISE.

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH.

Here I was all “oh, Jennifer Tilly will probably be back in this one, that’ll be nice” and THEN SEED OF CHUCKY HAPPENED.

I am not doing a synopsis of this movie because IT IS NOT POSSIBLE so instead I’m just going to list a few of the things that happen here in no particular order because I CANNOT THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE FOR A SINGLE SECOND LONGER THAN I HAVE TO. So please enjoy this list of actual horrors so that I may delete this entire thing from my memory banks:

  • John Fucking Waters is in this movie.
  • Jennifer Tilly is also in this movie, as both the Tiffany doll and as HERSELF, REAL JENNIFER TILLY. She gets roasted so hard and is absolutely brilliant about it. I would happily rewatch this movie with only her scenes in it. I mean sort of. No I wouldn’t.
  • Redman is in this movie, also as himself, and he’s directing a movie called “The Virgin Mary.” You know, like Def Jam rapper Redman would do. He is also brilliant and is mostly in scenes with Jennifer Tilly, making those scenes a sweet safe haven for my ruined mind meats.
  • The voodoo puppet child of Tiffany and Chucky from the end of Bride is in this one and THE DOLL IS ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING TO LOOK AT. I HATE IT SO MUCH.
  • The child is named Glen and prefers he/him pronouns but is canonically nonbinary? In a way that alternates between positive representation and VERY BAD REPRESENTATION. I’m not even touching this topic.
  • We have to watch Chucky masturbate into a cup. For like A LONG TIME.
  • We have to see an ENTIRE CUP of puppet jizz.
  • That cup of puppet jizz is sucked into a turkey baster and used to ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE ACTUAL JENNIFER TILLY.
  • Tiffany and Chucky attempt to quit murdering using the methods of Alcoholics Anonymous. It does not work.
  • Glen is still just awful, this whole time. It DOES NOT STOP.
  • Chucky kills Britney Spears by running her off the road in Redman’s stolen car. They could not get actual Britney Spears for this, for some reason. She must have been busy.
  • Actual Jennifer Tilly becomes pregnant overnight and gives birth to fraternal twins MADE FROM CHUCKY SPERM. The Tiffany doll acts as midwife.
  • Chucky decides he actually likes being a doll because dolls are immortal. That’s the exact opposite of what we’ve been told this whole series but okay.
  • I STILL HATE GLEN AND NOW HE IS A MURDEROUS DRAG QUEEN SOMETIMES I GUESS.
  • Tiffany takes over Jennifer Tilly’s body because she loves her so much. I like this.
  • DOLL FIGHT.
  • Jennifer Tilly’s two horrible red-headed murder children grow up and are never ever seen or heard from ever again. Including Glen, thank christ.

ZERO HORRORS BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE THIS IS A FEVER DREAM FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER AWAKEN BECAUSE THE EVENTS OF SEED OF CHUCKY HAVE SEARED THEMSELVES INTO MY DELICATE BRAIN AND I WILL NEVER GET AWAY NO MATTER HOW MANY MORE MOVIES I WATCH. SEED OF CHUCKY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. SEED OF CHUCKY HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE. SEED OF CHUCKY IS ETERNAL. SEED OF CHUCKY IS THE ABYSS.

THIS FUCKING DOLL HAUNTS ME

Seed of Chucky

Bride of Chucky

THE YEAR: 1998.

THE CAST: Brad Dourif back on his bullshit, the incomparable Jennifer Tilly with her adorable voice and her horror movie star titties, a pre-Grey’s Anatomy Katherine Heigl, a pre-dead John Ritter at his John Ritter best, a gothy, trashy Alexis Arquette (who, if you’ll recall, had my very favorite line in Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror), and, the one you’ve all been waiting for, Gordon Michael Woolvett, yes, THE Gordon Michael Woolvett, best known for portraying ship’s engineer Seamus Harper on Kevin Sorbo’s Andromeda in the mid-2000s, in Canada. I LOVE YOU, ANDROMEDA BOY, AND I ALWAYS WILL.

Jennifer Tilly plays Tiffany, a serial killer just starting out and hoping to reunite with her old boyfriend Charles Lee Ray, who just happens to be the serial killer trapped in the Good Guy doll known as Chucky. She busts the broken doll out of the local murder museum (jealous), sews him up, and voodoos him back to life with some vaguely Latin chanting over a pentagram surrounded by candles, because the Chucky team does not know what voodoo is. The doll awakens, kills Alexis Arquette (sorry, girl), and immediately starts being shitty to Tiffany, who thought they would be getting married. Tiffany stuffs Chucky into a playpen and gives him a bride doll since he won’t commit to marrying HOT TITTIED HUMAN WOMAN JENNIFER TILLY, and then goes to take a bubble bath and watch Bride of Frankenstein. Not a joke. Chucky busts out, dumps the television into the tub thereby electrocuting Tiffany, and does some more “voodoo” to put her soul into the bride doll. And now we have Bride of Chucky.

But, oh wait, MEANWHILST, Officer John Ritter does not like that his high school daughter Katherine Heigl is dating some anonymous late 90s guy and uses his power as a cop (THEY ARE ALL BASTARDS) to fuck with them. Also Heigl’s gay bestie is Gordon Michael Woolvett. 90s Boyfriend is desperate and just happens to live in the same trailer park as Tiffany, who now needs a ride to the New Jersey cemetery where Charles Lee Ray is buried because that’s where the “voodoo” amulet to turn both her and Chucky back into humans is buried along with him, but now they are dolls and can’t drive. (Seems like something Human Woman Jennifer Tilly could have helped with, but dumb shitty Chucky can’t deal with his feelings in a responsible way so he just HAD to lash out and make her a doll too. *eyeroll emoji* I would say he could use therapy but the quality of the therapists in this franchise has been suspect so maybe unspecified Hollywood satanism is his best bet, who am I.)

So Tiffany calls 90s boyfriend and offers him $1000 to deliver these two dolls to New Jersey, half up front and half upon completion. And because it’s 1998, $1000 is enough to START A NEW LIFE I GUESS so 90s Boyfriend decides this is how he and Katherine Heigl can get married and live together far from Dad Ritter and takes the deal. So now we have two high schoolers running from the law on a road trip with two secret murder dolls and damn if that isn’t THE BEST SHIT.

The success of this movie (and fuck yes is it a success) is fully on the shoulders of these two doll puppets and the fun kills they do, and they do a GREAT job. I’ve got to say, this is another case where two dolls are infinitely better than one. I didn’t realize how much of this movie would be two doll puppets getting into highly choreographed fight scenes, making out and having weird puppet sex, doing cool murders, *~falling in love again~*. And it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. 10/10 for the doll puppets, Brad Dourif, and Jennifer Tilly. Incredible. No notes.

Also this soundtrack is the MOST 1998 horror movie soundtrack I can imagine. Rob Zombie, Judas Priest, Type O Negative, Motorhead, Slayer, FUCKING CHEF’S KISS. There is just so much joy in this installment being exactly what it should have been, dumb and fun and *fucking rock n roll man*.

Plus I now realize how much of Cult of Chucky was clever callbacks and self-referential bullshit which, I’m sorry, I fucking love. Even one of the kills in Cult harkens back to an amazing water bed murder Tiffany commits in Bride, and I am impressed. How far back do these jokes go? Did they start with Bride? Or does Bride represent a decade of callbacks coming all the way from Child’s Play? Only time will tell. And that time is later tonight, because I hate myself.

Y’all, Bride of Chucky is fucking rad……SOLID FOUR HORRORS.

That said, I am getting the distinct feeling that this will be my favorite installment in the Chucky franchise and that it will be a sharp downturn from here on out, which is unfortunate because I still have five more movies to watch. But Chucky has proved me wrong before, and the knowledge that I have at LEAST one more movie with Tiffany in it will keep me going. Because that doll is great and I love to watch her serial kill.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Bride of Chucky