Child’s Play 3

Ah, finally, the comforting familiarity of a truly mediocre horror movie.

Where Child’s Play 2 was a buck wild adventure in making me personally feel uncomfortable and depressed, Child’s Play 3 is exactly what I expected it to be: a forgettable and unimportant sequel with virtually no bearing on the franchise as a whole, never to be spoken of again.

Child’s Play 3 also suffers from the casting of a Replacement Andy, as the events of this film take place eight years after Child’s Play 2, but the movie itself was released only nine months after the previous installment (almost as if they didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about or working on it, huh), meaning that the character of Andy needed to be a young teen while OG Andy is a seven year-old. In fact, I recognized exactly zero of the lead actors in this one besides the inevitable return of Brad Dourif, who now has to drag the entire movie uphill as it kicks and screams to be allowed to die. So from the beginning I knew I was in for a relatively boring evening.

And we begin back at Play Pals Inc where a board of old white men have decided that the second spate of Chucky murders is not enough to risk their bottom line, so they are REOPENING THE CHUCKY FACTORY, which is apparently such a frugal venture that they scraped the melted Chucky monster off the floor, dusted the cobwebs off it, and dumped it right back into the machine to be melted down again with the rest of the Chucky goo. Now one would think that this would result in all the dolls in that batch being just a *little* bit serial killery, but no, somehow the entire contents of Floor Chucky end up in a single Good Guys doll that gets taken directly to the CEO’s office as an example of “the Good Guys doll of the 90s.” Cue the murders.

Andy, meanwhile, is now 16 and starting military school, which puts us solidly in the Teen Screams category of horror movies, complete with a Bully, a Hot Chick Who Can Handle Herself Without A Man Thanks, and a Bespectacled Nerd. For some reason, the 6 year-old child of one of the instructors (I guess?) also hangs out on campus and he 1. likes Good Guys dolls and 2. has the judgement of a 6 year-old. So when a Good Guys doll arrives in the mail and he is asked to deliver it to Andy, he instead opens the box himself and starts to play with his new friend without a single concern about the fact that this doll is clearly alive and an asshole. Chucky decides this will be a good opportunity to get a new body without having to deal with Andy, so he tries to start up a voodoo ceremony before getting interrupted and thrown in the garbage, which, for the record, does happen multiple times in every movie.

So now Andy has a child to save and a girl to impress and a bully to fight against and a nerd to….make him look more impressive by comparison I guess. And then yadda yadda he does all that stuff and defeats Chucky, the end. The kills in this one are fine I guess, the most potentially inspiring of which is the result of Chucky switching out all the blank ammunition for a practice battle with live rounds, which could have been DEVASTATING and really cool but instead only gets him a single victim that I don’t think we ever met before. Or maybe we did and I didn’t care because *gestures vaguely at the entirety of Child’s Play 3.* The film also ends with Chucky being shredded into a bajillion tiny Chucky bits by a giant fan, which is fine in and of itself, but I know that Bride of Chucky is next and is set only a month in the future, meaning that somehow over the course of 30 days, those infinite tiny bits coalesce into five or six Chucky chunks which end up in a murder museum (presumably after a stop at the police evidence locker???) for Tiffany to steal and reassemble into a functioning Chucky. Maybe I just don’t understand the physics of the Chuckiverse, or maybe it’s voodoo magic, or maybe I was just meant to forget about it entirely in the eight years between 3 and Bride.

……TWO HORRORS.

Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Child’s Play 3