Dark Skies

THANK GOD now that I can stop thinking about the inevitable end of the world for like a second I can get back to my special edition extended 31 for 90-ish (or however long it takes). And luckily the next movie on the list is one of my favorites, which helps because I am SO TIRED THIS WEEK, GUYS.

I watched Dark Skies for the first time several years ago for this project, and it’s stuck with me ever since. If you like alien abduction horror, this is a pretty great example of the genre and, for the first time basically ever, the kids are actually the best part.

Dark Skies is about a painfully white suburban upper middle-class family struggling to maintain that position once the dad loses his job and can no longer afford the MASSIVE house and privileged lifestyle to which they are accustomed. So while Mom and Dad gossip with the neighbors and bicker about shutting off the cable, their two sons tell scary stories to each other over walkie talkies and just generally exemplify a healthy sibling relationship in the face of their parents being kind of garbage.

UNTIL SPOOKY SHIT STARTS HAPPENING.

It starts with things being moved around in the house and photos going missing, and the youngest son starts talking about something coming into his room, telling him secrets, and being creepy, as these things do. But as soon as Dad finally sucks it up and invests in home security, the problems with the youngest son escalate to mysterious behavioral issues and memory loss. Mom mentions maybe taking the kid to therapy because he is CLEARLY not well, but Dad loses his entire mind because THERAPY IS SOOOOO EMBARRASSING AND WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS SAY AND ALSO WE CAN’T AFFORD IT AND ALSO THERAPY IS EMBARRASSING AND BAD AND EMBARRASSIIIIIIIIIIING did I mention these parents are objectively bad parents. It’s not until similar things start to happen with the older son as well that the parents agree to GO SEE A DOCTOR, but by that point shit is well and truly fucked.

More weird shit goes down and Mom starts googling to discover that a lot of the recent events can be explained by one thing and one thing only:

And then the rest of the movie happens.

Okay so I am doing a very bad and lazy job of describing this movie because this election week has ruined my ability to think good and do words, and also because I don’t actually want to include spoilers of all the good parts because I do want people to see this one. So while the premise of “weird things happen to family and it’s aliens” sounds pretty basic, you’ll just have to trust me when I say it’s better than that. It’s successfully spooky and the scares still get me even on the third viewing, and the cast is very good at pulling it all off. (And JK Simmons shows up as the expert on aliens because of course he does.) At the end of the day I’m not entirely sure why I love this movie so much, but I really do. It’s well-executed, tells a good story, and the climax at the end just sticks in my head for some reason. Because of how good it is? Or whatever.

Boy what a great review I have written.

I don’t have the energy or brains to tell you why but…FIVE HORRORS BECAUSE I JUST LIKE IT.

THING IS GOOD

Dark Skies

Dark Forces

Hey, did you know that trying to do literally anything during a global pandemic is a real fuckin drag? Anyway, that’s what I’m blaming for my inability to keep up with this blog this time around. But I’m not letting myself off the hook until I’ve watched and reviewed 31 terrible Netflix horror movies, so if it takes me until Christmas to get through this Halloween season so be it. This whole year is garbage so I’m going to make the spooky times last. I’m basically doing you a favor by not using it all up all at once. You’re welcome.

ANYWAY speaking of terrible Netflix horror, boy howdy do I have a treat for you! Dark Forces is a Mexican horror movie from THIS YEAR done in an 80s-inspired noir style, kind of like if cyberpunk were neither cyber nor punk but also sometimes the women wear victory rolls. Our hero is a mustachioed man named Franco who has come to sex around a weird hotel until he finds his missing sister. Everything in this film is sloooooow and seeexxxxy, provided you are attracted to mustaches and excessive fog machine action with jewel-toned lighting for *atmosphere*. He meets several Sexy Brunettes on his adventure, including Sexy Front Desk Lady, Sexy Lady in the Room Next Door, and Sexy Lady Who Sings Down the Hall. All of these women look the same to me and I have only the vaguest understanding of which one actually ended up being important. I think it was Sexy Next Door.

In which case, it is definitely Sexy Next Door who, after Mustache saves her from her mean boyfriend, decides she wants to 1. slowly rub her bloody lip all over Mustache’s mustache in a slooooow and seeexxxxy way and 2. help him do crimes to find his sister. Why are crimes necessary to find his sister you might ask? Because that is what the wizard at the end of the hallway said to do and he knows because he wrote a wizard book called Dark Forces. (Ps, it’s actually Fuego Negro which means Black Fire which is a way cooler name? And also would have meant I wouldn’t have had to watch this very bad movie right now.) And I’m calling him Wizard because he has a terrible Spirit Halloween bald cap/long white hair wig and owns candles and shit even though there is so little context in this film I have no idea who he actually is or why he’s there. Mustache takes his advice with absolutely zero questions asked and goes a’crimin with his new sexy girlfriend.

And Sexy Girlfriend just gets SO TURNED ON BY DOING CRIMES Y’ALL. She gets all excited and we are treated to a bunch of seeeexxxxxxy sex scenes while Mustache has a bunch of ‘Nam flashbacks that make him wonder if this woman is actually on his side, but that will absolutely not stop him from having two more sex scenes with her before this movie is over.

But wait, there’s ALSO an Albino Lady on the roof who is ~*mysterious*~ and knows things and if you pay her mother $2,000 she can tell you the things she knows, like where your missing sister is! So….let’s do that I guess, since it’s so convenient. And then go hunt around a crime syndicate looking for Mustache’s old boss. And…have sex dreams about Wizard? I do not understand this movie even a little bit.

The point is that there is a demon thing inside Wizard shaped exactly like a double-ended dildo that you vomit out of your mouth directly into someone else’s to capture their soul or whatever. Anyway. That’s where I’m done reviewing this movie.

I’m torn about what to give it but…..THREE HORRORS because it’s so bad it barely deserves 2 but I had the right combination of wine and edibles that gave me the enjoyment of a 4. You can absolutely MST3K your way through this thing and have a grand time but jesus christ is it bad. Results may vary, view at your own risk.

10/10 for the mustache though
Dark Forces

Conjuring Spirit

WELCOME TO QUARANTINE, I hope everyone has played enough video games to know how to properly execute supply runs without wasting too many precious bullets. (IF IT’S NOT A HEADSHOT, IT’S A WASTE.)

But the real question is how anyone is to know which Netflix movies are worth your time? THANK GOD I’M HERE to tell you about this movie, which is probably not worth your time, unless it is? Conjuring Spirit is a Vietnamese ghost story which means two things: there will be a vengeful female spirit with tons of hair in her face, and people will be eating pho. Have you ever seen a horror movie from anywhere in the entire continent of Asia? You have seen this movie.

Our story begins with a man yelling at a lady in a red dress about how she will have to abort their child before his wife finds out about it. (This feels distinctly like a Him Problem, but who am I.) She refuses, so he does a big ol’ murder by drugging her to sleep and burying her alive. Men are trash. DID YOU HEAR THAT, ZUCKERBERG. But before he buries her, he places a music box next to her face and says something about how this will be the last song she hears, because he is just TRYING to make a ghost. Blah blah blah she dies yadda yadda cut to An Amount of Time in the Future.

Lan, a recently-single mother with a 5 year-old son, moves into an apartment that everyone says is haunted, in an apartment building run by the aforementioned murderer, and is gifted a music box by the landlady. Just so everyone knows, WE ARE SETTING UP FOR A GHOST MOVIE. She finds weird grey goo all over the floor and in her plumbing, so she calls for maintenance to come fix it while she is out. Cue Pervy Plumber entering her home and immediately being a creepy dickbag by sniffing her underwear and kissing her pictures. MEN ARE TRASH. Fortunately for us, he is swiftly dealt with by the ghost of a lady in a red dress (picture the ghost from The Ring, or The Grudge, or Dark Water etc. etc. etc. you get it) who drowns him in grey goo in the bathtub.

While the police are sorting this out, Lan meets Vu, a cute boy who sings in a band and is new to the apartment building as well. After some flirts, Lan gives him the music box because something about “you like music, take this demon box, BYE.” Vu spends the night being haunted as fuck by Red Dress Ring Grudge and returns the box the next day, saying YO THIS IS FULL OF LADY GHOST also come see my band. She does. They’re okay. Pho is had.

Eventually Lan’s son gets so sick of seeing this ghost lady 24/7 that Lan finally goes to the landlady who gave her the music box to ask hey, why the fuck. Landlady has few useful answers except SURPRISE turns out she is a medium and does seances and has tons of spare time. This is convenient. Landlady contacts the spirit realm and lets Lan know that Red Dress likes her and wants her to find her body so that she can be peacefully laid to rest. I WONDER IF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHERE ALL THE GREY GOO IS COMING FROM.

Where is the body??? Will the Murder Man get away with his murders??? Will Lan and Vu bang??? What is the twist at the end that is only tangentially-related to the main story line and changes the meaning of the whole movie but also has no purpose whatsoever??? All this and more can be yours if you’re willing to sink just under two goddamn hours into Conjuring Spirit. Now let’s be clear, this is not a bad movie, in fact it’s pretty okay, and all the lead performers do a great job. But it is, minus the baffling and underwhelming twist, entirely predictable and super derivative. Just watch the original Japanese Ringu if you want to see vengeful lady ghosting at its finest. But if you’ve already done that and you’re desperate for a Vietnamese take on the genre, you could probably do worse.

I give Conjuring Spirit…….THREE HORRORS.

Also get ready for a few more of these in the coming weeks. Because nothing helps calm the anxieties of living through a global pandemic like MOVIES WHERE EVERYONE DIES.

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YOUR N95 CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW

 

Conjuring Spirit

*SPECIAL EDITION* Chopping Mall

SPOOKY. SEASON. IS. BACK.

And so is the spookiest blog to ever sometimes be on the internet! By which I mean this one. And the sometime IS NOW. We’re calling this one a Special Edition because it’s not quite next in alphabetical order, and also it’s not on Netflix, but it starts with C and I saw it on a streaming service and I just watched it for the first time and GANG. I HAVE TO SHARE.

First of all, I am incredibly embarrassed to admit that I had never heard of Chopping Mall until seeing it pop up in my recommended watching on Amazon Prime, and that is a shameful cross that I will bear for as long as I live. But I’m also gonna go ahead and blame it on everyone who was alive in 1986 for not screaming from the FUCKING ROOFTOPS that this movie exists and that it is, holy shit, the best, stupidest movie to ever be made, because it absolutely is life-changingly stupid and best.

Now I’m going to manage your expectations right here before we get into it, there will be no chopping in Chopping Mall. I assumed from the title that this would be a movie about a Jason-style slasher killing a bunch of teens in the mall after hours. But oh no, it would be so, so much sweeter than that. Because the original title of Chopping Mall was….Killbots.

THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S MOTHERFUCKING KILLER ROBOTS.

Chopping Mall is about a group of the most 80s teens to ever teen sneaking into a furniture store in the mall after hours, but it’s not just any mall. It’s the Park Plaza Mall, which has just installed a brand new security system consisting of three GODDAMN ROBOTS that are designed to stop shoplifters and trespassers with GODDAMN TASERS and GODDAMN LASERS. We are assured by the robot salesman that it is impossible for absolutely anything to go wrong with these perfect killing machines and that they will definitely never kill. Please prepare your finest shocked pikachu memes for the next paragraph.

So a bolt of lightning hits the main computer and sends all the robots on a killing spree. (Lightning hitting a computer and turning it into a murderer was a very 80s concern, for any younger readers who did not grow up with the fear that we were all one bad storm away from the technocalypse.) The team of killbots splits up and starts taking out technicians and janitors before noticing that there are unauthorized teens in the furniture store and that they are DOING TEEN CRIMES.

So who are these teens? They are Mike and Leslie, the football star and blonde bombshell who are definitely fuckin. Mike spends a minimum 30% of his brain power on aggressively chewing gum and Leslie shows us her tiddies a bunch. Rick and Linda who are married I guess? Very little of the movie is spent on the rich backstory of Rick and Linda’s young relationship, but we know that Rick is action movie hero hot and Linda is the brunette, because you have to have one. Greg and Suzie are the dancey, goofy, fun times couple who are both ditsy as shit and only marginally more useful than Mike and Leslie. And lastly we have Ferdy and Allison, who are fucking nerds. They spend the whole make-out party sitting awkwardly next to each other watching Attack of the Crab Monsters while everyone else is drowning in hormones and genitalia. Make your predictions about who survives this movie now, Scream rules apply.

Here is where I will encourage you all to go watch this movie because I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH how amazing it is and I would hate to give too many spoilers, though really, you can read the entire wikipedia entry for this movie and it will only make you want to see it more. There will be lasers, there will be blood, there will be exploding skulls with blood and lasers. Chopping Mall is every 80s sci-fi horror cliche I could ever ask for and then some, and I feel blessed by the Roger Corman family of products to have experienced such a cinematic wonder.

I give Chopping Mall…..THE FULL FIVE HORRORS.

It is perfect.

It is beautiful.

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It is shocking.

*SPECIAL EDITION* Chopping Mall

C.H.U.D.

Oh shit, it’s like halfway through November, huh?

Oops.

We had some Life Things happen that made writing my blog through the end of October inconvenient, and then I had some Not Wanting To Write My Blog and that made writing my blog like SO HARD so anyway I’m sorry I lied and I promise it’ll never* happen again. I’m blaming it on an overdose of corn, proving once again that, when you get right down to it, everything truly is Monsanto’s fault, even if we have to call it Bayer now (which is sort of like changing your name from Shit Co. to Vomit Co. but I digress).

But on the bright side, it is now time for C.H.U.D., THE ACRONYM YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING TO READ ABOUT!

C.H.U.D. is a classic that I had not actually seen until doing this project, so I would like to thank Netflix and the unending anxiety that was late-stage graduate school that could only be alleviated by constant escapism through media for exposing me to this beautiful piece of horror history that I kind of don’t even really know how to describe.

If you have somehow missed every pop culture reference to this movie from The Simpsons to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to Tony Hawk’s Underground and you have zero idea of the premise of this movie, let me give you a brief summary. C.H.U.D., which stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller (OR DOES IT??? That’s called foreshadowing.), starts with our hero John Heard and his girlfriend going to photograph the NYC homeless population living in the subway system and sewers only to discover that there are a bunch of gross, flesh-eating sewer monsters down there and also a bunch of missing homeless people. Related? Possibly.

But John Heard isn’t the only one interested in the Case of the Giant Man-Eating Monsters. Police Captain Bosch is also kinda curious about that and the higher-ups at the station are strangely secretive about the topic, so he goes to visit Daniel Stern, who runs a homeless shelter and is convinced that the missing homeless people are the result of a GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY and he wants to fight The Man to get to the bottom of it (a move which presumably leads to his downfall and his future as a common thief in the Home Alone series. Does investigating murderous slime people in abandoned subway tunnels not make you a Wet AND Sticky Bandit? *gestures wildly at the incontrovertible evidence I have presented*).

Turns out that the C.H.U.D.s used to be just regular ol’ homeless people before being transformed into monsters by TOXIC WASTE (remember when we were very very concerned about toxic waste turning people into monsters? Captain Planet lead me to believe this would be a bigger issue than it has been thus far, but the way the government is operating right now perhaps I should be concerned about that again. Someone get the Captain out of retirement, please.) The C.H.U.D.s used to roam the subway system eating their former homeless brethren until oops, they eated them all! Meaning that now they must COME TO THE SURFACE TO EAT YOOOOOOUUUUUUU and John Heard and Daniel Stern simply will not have that and they do their ding dang best to get the EPA, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, and local reporters involved, OR ARE THEY ALREADY???? Or do they just get eaten by C.H.U.D.s? Does EVERYONE get eaten by C.H.U.D.s???

In fact, I think this is as far as I can take you with this movie, if you, like I had, have somehow managed to avoid having the DRAMATIC TWIST spoiled for you (I mean, we all kinda see where this is going, but still) because you really really should watch this movie. Not because it’s good, because it isn’t, but because it is GREAT. Kind of like how absolutely no one should watch Mars Attacks but also EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH MARS ATTACKS? It’s like that. Do you want to watch a bunch of laser-eyed sewer beasts eat everyone they can get their clawed, webbed hands on in 1980s New York? Yes. You do. And you want to watch Daniel Stern and John Heard run around the sewers trying to catch them.

I give this masterpiece…….FOUR AND A HALF HORRORS.

Wait a minute, John Heard and Daniel Stern were in something else together, weren’t they OH MY GOD

home-alone
*ps that was definitely a lie

 

 

C.H.U.D.

Children of the Corn: Revelation

WE FINALLY MADE IT, GANG. THE LAST CHILDREN OF THE LAST CORN. JESUS CHRIST IT HAS BEEN A JOURNEY.

Of course this is actually CotC 7, which means this one comes before the last one chronologically, but again, time is a flat circle, reality is an illusion, nothing matters etc. etc.

So THIS TIME, we actually don’t have a broken down car by a corn field, instead we get a young woman named Jamie looking for her grandmother who hasn’t been answering her phone calls and the grandmother lives by a corn field. Don’t worry, there is still a corn field. There is always a corn field. Jamie drives all the fuck out to Nebraska, which is more than I’ve ever done for my grandmother, and upon entering her grandmother’s corn-adjacent apartment building, she discovers an eviction notice, no grandmother, and a whole bunch of weird kids. The building manager has zero advice for her, but he does introduce her to some of the non-weird-kid occupants of the building, who are the exact type of people unlikely to survive a horror movie. Weird.

Jamie wanders down to the basement where she finds a bunch of various crops growing and hears giggling children, which could just be how they do things in Nebraska, but this time it’s accompanied by a guy with a gun who appears out of nowhere telling her to NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT so she…leaves and stops going to the basement. After having some weird dreams about children and corn, Jamie learns that her grandmother was in a child corn cult and that she was the only survivor of a fire set by the child corn cult leader and that the fire was set right where the apartment building is now!!! LE GASP. 

Then some other shit happens and then more shit happens and then the movie is over the end. Goddamn is this movie forgettable, as evidenced by the fact that I had to google the plot synopsis and it barely registered with me. I do sort of remember a couple of the kills but like……after seven other childrens and corns……ugh. The sounds of creepy children are now meaningless to me, and I’m taking an extended break from eating the haunted vegetable that is corn, not because it is haunted, but because I’M FUCKING OVER CORN. (Unless it is in dog form, I can still fuck with that.)

I can’t review this movie anymore, sorry guys, let’s just get this out of the way so we can move on to ANY OTHER THING.

Children of the Corn: Revelation gets……..TWO HORRORS.

THANK CHRIST.

WE MADE IT.

IT’S OVER.

Or is it……

NO, IT IS.

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I’M DONE HERE.

Children of the Corn: Revelation

Children of the Corn: Genesis

I AM DROWING IN DERIVITIVE CORN MOVIES.

Let’s get this over with – Children of the Corn: Genesis is actually CotC 8, which is where alphabetizing this series gets tricky. I actually reviewed Children of the Corn IV before I was supposed to, since I comes after G, so when I watched these in order, I watched 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 4, 7. You would think that would be a confusing way to watch a franchise, but it turns out NOPE you barely even need to have seen the original to make sense of any of these many many many many MANY FUCKING SEQUELS because none of them connect in any way whatsoever, and if that bothers you, then you’re gonna have some serious issues with basically any horror franchise begun in the 70s and 80s (I’m looking at you, Jason X).

Genesis was released direct to DVD in 2011, so let that inform you as to the importance and quality of this film. We begin with a young couple whose car breaks down by a corn field – jesus, do we really? AGAIN? There’s no better way to start one of these motherfuckers? Anyway, they run into a weird preacher who is clearly trying to be Charles Manson but without enough peyote to really pull it off, and he offers to let them use his phone, where they promptly learn that this is the ass end of nowhere and they can’t get a tow until the next day. Churles Munson and his, seriously, inexplicable mail-order bride from Ukraine allow the couple to stay the night, but with strict orders to not go sneaking around all lookin at shit, which is the clearest possible evidence that there’s definitely shit to be looked at.

Which means that the second the Young Lady of the couple has to go pee in the middle of the night, she IMMEDIATELY starts snooping around the outhouse and finds that they have a culty corn church in their garage AND a culty corn shack that sounds like crying children. Young Lady returns to Young Man and tells him what she saw and heard and Young Man decides the best way to handle this is to go straight to Carl Monson and tell him about how they definitely went snooping and definitely looked at some shit. Luckily Chales Monsoon doesn’t immediately helter skelter them, but instead does some ooky spooky hypnosis that allows said cult child to enter the room unnoticed and PLANT A CORN SEED IN YOUNG LADY. I’m not sure this is how corn works, but it’s probably Demon Corn, so who am I to impose natural laws on such things. You do you, demons.

Shit immediately gets whack and the entire house is taken over by a mysterious supernatural force (hint: it’s definitely He Who Walks Behind The Rows) that won’t allow Young Couple to escape or call for help. At this point, the whole movie basically turns into a haunted house flick that’s generally light on both children and corn as Young Couple attempt to escape the forces of He Who Walks Behind The Rows. And then yadda yadda yadda, ending that leaves it open for another sequel.

Genesis isn’t a terrible movie, it’s more atmospheric and creepy than most of the 90s entries in the franchise and at least it’s not just about more murder children getting adopted, so that’s a plus. Would I still be perfectly happy and fulfilled and have an hour and a half of my life back if I hadn’t watched it? Yes. But would that life really be worth living? Also yes.

Children of the Corn: Genesis gets……THREE HORRORS.

Christ almighty kids, ONE MORE LEFT and then we get to move on to….hoo boy.

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I’ll give you three guesses.

Children of the Corn: Genesis

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Just this one and then three more exactly like it until we can move on to literally anything else and we’ll all live happily ever after and never eat corn again.

It’s not very nutrient-dense anyway, did you even look at those corn facts?

So as I said, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror is my second favorite CotC movie, an abbreviation I’m finally using that I encourage everyone to pronounce as “cotck” with a largely silent “t.” It’s my second favorite for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that it has a fun cast, including Alexis Arquette, Eva Mendes, and David Carradine, and because it finally finally isn’t about people adopting these freaking murder children and then being murdered by them (well, mostly, anyway), but also because it has what’s possibly my favorite one-word sight-gag-based joke in any film ever. It’s not even a particularly funny joke. And it has nothing to do with children or corn. But it is MY FAVORITE joke, and I won’t let you insult it. I LOVE IT. We’ll get to it later.

We begin as we do in approximately 75% of horror films, with some Cool Teens lost in the middle of nowhere. Coincidentally, this also happens to be the middle of He Who Walks Behind the Rows territory, which, in this case, is lead by FREAKING DAVID CARRADINE who, you’ll notice, is an adult. He is, in fact, a creepy old man who has taken in some Gatlin Murder Children and claims to be the current incarnation of HWWBtR (okay so not everything lends itself to abbreviation, I’m trying). And yes, spoilers, this will go poorly for him, but not for the reasons you thiiiiiiink, ooooh so spooky and mysterious is the CotC! 

At this, Cool Girl Teen realizes that this is the cult that her brother joined, and she has to take advantage of this opportunity to save him, and not just because the cult children have destroyed their car and they are effectively trapped in Corntown the Third (or is this the fourth new corn-founded cult village? I’M LOSING MY MIND). She is finally able to meet with her brother, who is pissy because she’s not his real mom, and he announces that he is getting married to another Corn Child that he has already impregnated, because when your cult kills all adults, some icky shit has to go on to keep membership up.

Gang.

This is when I get my joke.

My favorite joke.

The Cool Teens tool around looking for somewhere to stay and stumble upon an unoccupied shack that they decide will be their shelter until they either rescue Cool Girl Teen’s brother from the cult or until the next bus comes in a few days, whichever is more convenient. They start picking through cupboards when Cool Boy Teen finds a can shaped like Spam, looks at it, grins, and holds it facing the camera, smiling. He points at it and says “Smeat!” And the can indeed says SMEAT.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS JOKE FOR REASONS I CANNOT FULLY UNDERSTAND.

The first time I saw it I had to pause the movie and roll it back to check and see if the can label actually said FREAKING SMEAT. IT DOES. IT IS MY HERO.

I just love canned meat-based humor, guys.

Oh man….SMEAT!

The rest of the movie is also good, though not as good as Smeat. It more deeply covers the rituals of the CotC cult and their ritual sacrifices, as well as how they deal with babies (hint: with corn demons) and ends in a pretty epic bloodbath at a corn silo engulfed in the fires of Corn Hell. I’m not going to ruin it because it’s worth watching, relative to the other CotC movies at least, and because I peaked at Smeat so I’m sort of done writing now.

I give Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror……..FIVE HORRORS, BUT REALLY THEY ARE ALL JUST FOR THE SMEAT JOKE. GOD I LOVE SMEAT.

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You know what’s not a joke? The existence of smeat.net.

 

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror

Children of the Corn

AW HELL YES

CORN

CORN

CORN

CORN

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN

Children of the Motherfucking Corn has finally arrived.

Here’s the thing about Children of the Corn – it’s not an amazing movie. It’s fun, I enjoy it, but it’s not one of my favorite horror movies or anything, it’s not even really one of my favorite Stephen King horror movies. But it does have a weird place in my heart, now that I’ve sunk probably fifteen hours into watching ALL EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, and that’s not counting the sheer number of times I’ve seen this, the first Children of the Corn movie, which is not even my favorite Children of the Corn movie. 

First of all, it stars Linda Hamilton, which makes it my second favorite Linda Hamilton movie, so that’s cool.

Secondly, it is a horror movie with the word “corn” in the title and everyone is okay with that and no one thinks it’s stupid and hilarious, even though it is, because it’s totally one of the funnier vegetables.

But most importantly, I identify with and agree whole-heartedly with the message of the film, which I believe is this: FUCK CHILDREN.

Horror movies feature children all the damn time, do you know why? BECAUSE CHILDREN ARE FUCKING MONSTERS AND THEY’RE TERRIFYING. They’re just small versions of real people but without the ability to reason or communicate properly and they are assholes. They devour you from the inside for nine months and then once they claw their way out they just literally shit all over you for the next year. They prevent you from ever sleeping again, they eternally drain your bank account like a living student loan, and they prevent you from GOING ANYWHERE OR DOING ANYTHING, sucking your life away like a goddamn vampire, except even vampires ask permission to come into your home. Plus if they don’t murder you (parricide makes up two percent of all murders, looking at you, Menendez brothers), they will want to murder you so bad that they kill everyone else to make up for it (Edmund Kemper, Richard Chase, Ed Gein, just google EVERY SERIAL KILLER) OR, and this happens, they just let a murderer into your damn house because kids are fucking idiots.

YOU SHOULD FEAR CHILDREN.

THEY CLEARLY DEMAND YOUR BLOOD.

And Children of the Corn isn’t just about regular horrible, evil, shitty children, it’s about RELIGIOUS horrible, evil, shitty children. THE WORST KIND OF HORRIBLE EVIL SHITTY CHILDREN. (Also I don’t need to summarize this movie, right? I’m not summarizing this movie, you should know the basic premise if you’ve seen literally any media ever and also you have google, what am I, YOUR MOTHER?) Children of the Corn is a warning about what happens when you take a bunch of kids who will believe any dumb shit and give them some dumb shit to believe. They will take that dumb shit and use it to destroy you and turn into blank-eyed, self-righteous shells of themselves and then they will weave much religious iconography out of dried corn husks and joylessly chant in unison, tale as old as time.

If a murderous cult of white, midwestern children doesn’t scare you more than anything else, you’re not paying attention.

Children of the Corn gets……FOUR HORRORS. Not because it is good, but BECAUSE IT IS REAL.

For real though, it’s a fun movie, and if you haven’t seen it, you should. In part because it will make sense of a lot of pop culture references, but also because corn fields are scary, children are scary, and scythes make for very good murder scenes. And if you have seen Children of the Corn and you only wish to see more fun shenanigans from Isaac (who was 24 when they filmed this, by the way, there’s a reason he’s the only Corn Child anyone would listen to and it’s because HE’S AN ADULT), don’t worry, because the next couple of weeks are going to be very corn heavy.

Oh yes.

Netflix has aaaaaaaaaaaaall the corns.

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And Google Image has all the pictures of corn, get ready for that too.

Children of the Corn

Cheerleader Massacre 2

Well, let’s do the dang thing I guess.

When it comes to Cheerleader Massacre 2, I highly recommend that you watch the trailer and then watch an entirely different movie because this one sucks. Or at least it sucks MINUS what’s in the trailer, which is all cool as shit, meaning that this film at least has one minute and twenty-two seconds more watchable content than the original Cheerleader Massacre.

Because yes, it is definitely better than Cheerleader Massacre. It’s possible that this is due in large part to the fact that Cheerleader Massacre was made in 2003, whereas Cheerleader Massacre 2 was made in 2011 WHAT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? THIS MEANS SOMEONE SAT ON THIS FOR A FULL EIGHT YEARS BUT DID NOT FORGET IT. SOMEONE WAS WAITING, BIDING THEIR TIME, SAVING THEIR MONEY FOR THE SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE THAT WAS MOST NOTABLE FOR PEOPLE THINKING IT WAS PART OF THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE FRANCHISE AND THEN FINDING OUT IT WASN’T.

JESUS.

Anyway, the production values are better, and by “better” I mean “like a Syfy original before the Sharknado movies got famous” which is still probably a 4000% improvement on the first installment. The bad guy in this one is also infinitely better, because it is a robot frisbee. I’m not kidding, seriously watch this trailer. Why is a robot frisbee trying to kill a busload of cheerleaders on their way to a competition? I do not remember. And neither does anyone else on the internet. It’s not important, what’s important is the third thing that Cheerleader Massacre 2 has way more of than Cheerleader Massacre, because it is

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS.

I don’t know what the going rate was to contractually obligate an actress to show her nipples onscreen in 2003, but it’s clear that either the price has gone significantly down, or that the producer of Cheerleader Massacre 2 SAVED UP FOR EIGHT DAMN YEARS to bring us this smorgasbord of titties. Because DANG Y’ALL. It’s so so many titties. It’s definitely eight year’s worth of titties. The only times in the movie without giant, naked, surgically-enhanced knockers is the minute and twenty-two seconds they cut together for the trailer, because you can show a cheerleader getting decapitated by a robot frisbee in a trailer, but never boobs because that would be in poor taste.

Cheerleader Massacre 2 is still unfortunate in that, despite the very very good job the robot frisbee does of slicing up all those heads and faces and titties, that’s the extent of what is good about this movie, and they show ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THAT in the trailer. The rest is just giant breasts running around, screaming, and being the subject of gross sex jokes made by gross bros, which you can see with better writing and acting on pornhub for free and without encouraging the makers of Cheerleader Massacre 2 to go for a threequel in 2025.

I give Cheerleader Massacre 2…….TWO HORRORS. A very sad amount of horrors indeed.

But oh, what’s that in the distance?

What’s next to that dirt road that heads into an unsettlingly religious small town that’s suspiciously empty of adults?

What’s that rustling in the eerie 80s wind?

Is that….IT IS…

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THE CORNENING HAS BEGUN

Cheerleader Massacre 2